couldnt believe it until now. i have been here for almost 1 year and another 4 months to go before i finished my foundation programme. i had been struggling since i first entered here. it was such a bittersweet moment that i shall never forget. it happens once in lifetime. i would possibly be telling those moments to my kids or even my grandchild. inshaAllah. we would never know when we are leaving and going back to the real place, where everything in this world doesnt matter anymore.
and that is very random thought of mine, it popped up suddenly, just spontaneously without i have to think much. well, ramadan is coming very soon. a day left. inshaAllah, i want to feel the taste of ramdan once again hopefully it will filled with beneficial activities and stuff that will increase my rewards. i am afraid of my sins, i would be a bluff if i were to say that i havent done anything wrong in my lifetime. i have been living in this world, thanks to Allah, for almost 19 years. i will reached 19 in this december though. i would be hard to know that im growing older, before this i was just a little kid that would never willingly to be apart from my mum and my dad. i would cry if my need isnt being fulfilled. i would cry and throw a tantrum if things werent like i want it to be. i would cry and being sulky and threw impolite words towards my parents if they didnt buy me what i want. i was immature and still immature kid. i have done lots of things, bad things.. i'm sure i have done lots of sins.
i couldnt think of that anymore, it was burdensome and yet heart breaking. just to imagine that, my heart breaks and would fall into pieces.
if i could.. i want to reverse time, to be that innocent person before becoming who i am now. i wish, but it will not going to happen that way.
maybe i should take lesson and be the person that i wished to be. inshaAllah. changes are never easy.
so, im feeling kinda a little homesick, and hungry. i tried to stop eating so frequently because i wante to save costs. and i ended up with eating half of my biscuits. but i did actually save up my money and reduces cost on foods. well i think the price is higher than before, even when i took 3 pieces or whatever they call and an egg i got charged for rm3.50. it was ridiculous... nevermind the food.
so last semester, i have passed my level 2 arabic and managed to get 3.58 something. Alhamdulillah, even though the gpa went down unike the previous semesters i am happy enough. i have made my parents smiled. i can see their happiness through their smiles especially my dad. my family went through a lot of things, bad ones. until i have totally forgot how it feels to cry over to think about our future. but we have started over, clean way. start from strach, trying to build our family back. trying to be part of the society once again. it is actually sad to see your parents work really hard, wake up early in the morning even though they are in age where they should enjoy doing things or even prepare for religious activities but they wont be able to do that. to eat, they have to think twice, do they make enough money. to pay bills, to pay loans and to feed us.
my second brother made a big sacrifice, he is going to move to sibu, he worked in perak before, but just to help us he decided to move to sarawak to get bigger pay. he wanted to provide us with evrything and wanted to shower happinless to my parents but he couldnt.
besides, this-is-different-story....my father put his hope on me. he wanted me to study well have a good job, buy him a car, give money to him. and he doesnt allow me to marry unless i have those. i was kinda shocked. what if i met the love of my life that i have been waiting for the rest of life? i mean at this point of my life. should i sacrifice or not? deep down, i wanted to get married early but i know that wont happen in my life, so ma n abah, dont you worry, nobody wants your little daughter cause im not pretty and attractive for a guy to even recognize me..inshaAllah, i wanted to get married but seems like there are no hopes of that.
so i decided, not to fall to every single person(guy) in cfs or even outside. i would wait at those age when i finally fulfilled your hope, i hope so, n i wanted to stay abroad. to travel the world, since i have never been on a plane before. uhh this is embarrassing..ye i never been abroad n never been on a plane. so, i wanted to fall in love abroad with local people there.
so now, i would study hard and trying my best to follow the deen, be a good daughter, sibling, friend,society.
i will study hard and smart for this very final semester, to get 4 flat like what u have imagined abah, and will always trying to make u and ma proud to have me.
i would put my unnecessary stuff and hopes aside try to be a good daughter that would bever fail to make you both smile.
p/s: ahlan wasahlan ya ramadan, ana uhibbu ramadan. fi ramadan tujad kasiran mufidah.)(my broken arabic. since i have passed level 2 arabic n hv to continue on level 3 in gombak during degree. tehheee)
EXCUSE MY LONG POST. I HAVE TEARS WHILE WRITING ALL THESE THOUGHTS t_t